One of the things I've been doing recently to avoid the rest of my life is playing a very involving online game. Some days it's been almost the only thing I've done from waking up to going to sleep. Waking up today, I came to an inquiry of what it would be like if I put the same intensity of time and attention I was putting into the game into myself.
Life is not offering me a straightforward way to try this out right now. My friend Karen Mercer was cremated today, in fact I interrupted writing this to go, and am very glad I did. I went because it matters to me to be part of her passing into whatever is next for her, and to be with her partner Tom Atlee, who is my housemate, colleague and a good friend. In a sense I did it for me. In a sense everything we do is for ourselves, but I've generally meant something narrower when writing here about making myself the top thing on my mind. How to be with myself first thing in the morning and last thing at night? How to be present in the moment more of the time, be more mindful about what I am doing and what I choose to do next? How to notice sooner when i'm struggling with some choice, do what will help me make it and move on? And what about all those body-related questions which have been on my mind since I chose to focus on that? Those are some of the inquiries I want to live into more.
But what's more alive right now is noticing that I can and did bring some of the attention to myself that I want into going out today. I bicycled to the cemetery and back, four miles each way which for me is a good workout. Also body-related, I took a shower, trimmed my beard, and put on a nice shirt. (If you don't know me it helps to know that I'm pretty relaxed about such things.) There were also unexpected work-ish connections there which may have a big impact on my life. We got to talking about a women's empowerment project one of us was organizing, and I offered to connect her with the communications director at the largest private foundation in Oregon. Another person is starting a non-profit supporting the natural burial movement and is looking for people to work with. I need an income and imagine that we would work together really well and have fun doing it, so I offered myself and we will explore that.
Women's empowerment was a life-long central issue for Karen, and we have all been dealing with the process of her death, so these connections seemed very appropriate to the occasion, and not tangential at all. Tom particularly appreciated this. (He'll probably write about it very shortly on his new blog, Death Matters.) Death has had some additional meaning for me recently, as I just turned 45 and the approach to and passing of that milestone has brought my attention to my own mortality — have I done enough, will I be able to do enough in the time left? As if I need to justify my existence. :-P
That brings up a lot more to say about death, but enough sitting and writing for now! Time to get up and live into my inquiries...
(laughter) ...and before I even posted this I was interrupted with house responsibilities, then dinner. Life keeps throwing things that I allow to take me away from what I'm saying I'd like to focus on. It's important to remember that it is always my choice, and to notice as I have here the ways that whatever I'm doing is also about me, even when it may not seem so at first.